'Sick Letter'

To whoever has invested time in the personal life of me, Evan, and who wants to know about what is going on inside my brain that may be affecting how I work.

In recent years, I have moved away from some of the materialistic wants that I once had.

I have made a real effort to move away from some of the shameful, and wrong things I've done.

And most days, I do not want to live. I feel awkward. Most nights, I pray for a safe and painless passing.

Daily, I think: This desire is Karma of some kind.

I said I was moving away from selfish desires in recent years. In replacement of those desires, I have found this idea that just seems right:

> Building a small homestead, with a small space for living, and a farm that can sustain life with absolutely no requirement of money, and no mental slavery.

Yet, I feel incapable of doing this. Every day, I walk by all the amazing things people have built, and I just feel frustrated and discouraged, because I feel I have to sell myself away and do things I hate in order to earn a place to live.

I am so dependent, and I have very little freedom it seems.

What am I to do??? Do I try to settle on land that is "owned by the government" then get kidnapped or murdered by gangster police because I have no right to land that is completely unused??? It makes no sense. My conviction begs me to do the right thing, and try to make the very first steps towards a world where we don't have to rely on the state. Yet, it seems I am completely alone on this.

I consider the idea of trying to settle on unused government land to be a necessary sacrifice. I believe, to some extent, that I will die soon because I will have to do this.

I used to be stronger - Such things would just be a welcomed challenge to me. I was dedicated, but more selfish. I have taken a more gentle and selfless approach to life. But I feel truly alone, and some people in my life even call me mentally ill for having this belief. This hurts so much. It may be something that's adding to my feeling that everything is fake.

I feel like life isn't totally real. Like things are meaningless and fake.

There is so much chaos.

Despite having a good network of caring friends, no one would go do the work I truly enjoy with me. No one shares my same values. I am so thankful for these people who care honestly. But then, nothing feels real. Am I explaining this correctly??

I feel alone.

I find comfort in the idea of believing that I will die soon.

This is all very strange, and so painful.

There's small things that happen out the day that amplify this overall pain - Like walking into a dark room on a more cloudy day. It's so dark, and for a moment it just feels like the light will be gone forever. Logically, I know there are things I can do to bring back the light, but there's a strange sense of resistance. And sometimes, a comforting feeling the dark brings.

I've been expressing this deep frustration and sadness to a few people, in emotional bursts,

My 'work in life' - most everything work related in my life is through the PreventCP project.

I do care about child exploitation to some extent. I guess, because it's frustrating that it exists. Not because I have been abused myself or anything, like many people assume. But rather - I get a unique pleasure reward in my brain when I stare for a minute at the true evil that man has been able to act on, get so incredibly angry, and then turn on some war songs that make me feel like a soldier fighting a great fight.

Which is funny, because although my work is done in quite a silly way, it's still equal to or more important than the work that everyone else does - Grinding away schoolwork, working those crazy jobs.

And my GOAL seems to be infinitely more important than most of these wacky things people do.

You can maybe see where my ego is a little bit? My ego is probably huge.

But really, I think I do this work because it gives me a chance to journal. It gives me a non-forced way to write down my thoughts, because I can write them down with the intention of helping people - which gives the thoughts & writing much more value - After all, why wake up and do any kind of work, if not for others?

And with that in mind - I write this down, so maybe it can help someone who is experiencing something similar.

I understand that I may need to just work harder 

I want to say... "please help". I hope I will get help. 

On one hand, I want to quit, and just embrace the comfort of feeling like I am dying. On the other hand - I think I'm ready to just RISE UP, take a breath, and go crazy on my goals, and pray success.

Just realized my checklist things for today are "buy rope" and "write letter"

makes it look like im committing suicide lol.

(I was buying the rope so I can make a little decorative fence)

May 12th, 2024

Evalyne/Evan

July 10th, 2024 Update:

I think I am doing better. I am recovering as of now. These demons return and I will be more ready for them.