Letter February

I must first address a deeply fundamental limitation within human communication. I have for a very long time, struggled with sharing my truest thoughts, plans, and interests with people in my life. I'm just gonna talk from my heart a little bit.

In the deep winter, a couple warm days have come upon my homeland : )   - They're my days off too.

My mind has basically turned into chaos as I try to make sense of my life, and my project which I made to fight the child exploitation epidemic of our time. I'm unsure if the work I am doing has real impact - but I go forward anyways. This is what hard must feel like. But I keep an excited spirit at least half the time, because I know there's others who have suffered along with me. The people who I think about when I go about my work in this life. I love these people. The simple idea that I may be able to lead by example and help them is enough to give me goosebumps. Who am I talking about exactly?

Well, I suppose, mainly the anti-predator community. People who would happily spend their spare time trying to stop pedophilia online. I was never able to leave this overall community because I care about these people.

The other group of people is families. Sometimes, I cry when I see a child, because I cannot bear to imagine them suffering as a result of our society's awful problems. I've been riding the bus recently, and when I see a mother get on with a young kid, I smile at them always, and then I usually tear up. This evil I have seen has tormented me. It never leaves me.

I handed someone one of the EndCE.org handouts the other day. He was glued to his phone while a tiny kid was glued to his own phone right next to him, and they didn't bother to turn down the volume on their garbage clickbait youtube videos despite being right next to me. I battled negative and hateful thoughts for about 7 minutes as I built up the courage to give him a paper which would link him to a letter that briefly explains the dangers of our modern technology. That kid was staring at a brainrot youtube video and all I had the authority to do was give a letter that the parental figure would probably just throw away. He could barely look away from his own phone to take the letter from me.

It was the right thing to do on my part. I think it will be easier next time.

For the rest of this cold season, I'm planning to just stay warm and do some peaceful work, while adding to the project but not doing it full time. I want to see it blossom though. - Well, blossom even more - because about 4 of us are working really hard to organize things. I want improvements and a true thriving community project, but I have to recognize the love that us few are putting in. This also excludes the people in our community who are just present and talking occasionally. Thank you for being here.

I just started to rant about what I want but quickly realized what I have. This is good.

The motto so far this season is: "Behind the scenes work" as most of the work takes place within private channels in our discord, as well as within me secretly building new methods of organization and budgeting some money for the project.

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It's all very difficult, as it's always been. But I have more tools now. I know how to handle struggles better. I hope I am a good example.

I struggle like everyone, but it's ok. I just find comfort in the fact that we all have similar struggles. It connects me to others in an indirect way.

I'm also working on myself a little bit during this time- and my future. I've become quite minimalistic and mentally healthy despite challenges. I'm here on Earth to be an example of having a good, prosperous life without damaging other people directly or indirectly. 

In the last months, I've struggled with all kinds of good old mental health problems - even some derealization, which ended up helping me separate my ego quite a bit from work and relationships, which ended up being very good!

I want to list some good things that have given me hope despite this wonderful chaos:

I can actually get people on board with my ideas, I just have to word them and put them in places online where people may care. I can even post my art in Discord #art channels!

I have a good support network. My partner, my family, my wider community, and those who I work with in the EndCE & Wheat Farms project.

There is balance in the world.

Alright, you've listened this far, and that's enough. Thank you.

 - I want to rant just a bit about my favorite song & how much this work has truly impacted every aspect of my life, from thoughts to music taste.

"Where is Your Rider" - The song's climax is this:

"He has thrown down the cavalry,

as gravel sinks,

and as the stone founders underneath,

the sundered sea - of red and reed,

the shadow of Hades-

is fading- 

For He has cast down Leviathan,

the tyrant and the horse and rider."

This makes me cry nearly every time. I imagine all of us fighting our part of the war to stop these exploitation and mental illness problems. The sea of all the blood and tears of everyone's suffering. Yeah it's kinda nerdy but you have nerdy things too.

The song ends:

"He will hold with all his might,

the armies of night,

still as boulders - laid to the side,

till we pass by,

He has hoisted out of the mire-

every child.

So lift your voice with timbrel and lyre - we will abide."

With this, I imagine the heavens and the milky way - waiting patiently for everyone on the Earth to pass away - and all problems we fight to solve in our life pass away with them. It makes me say "I can't wait that long."

The best songs I can listen to are songs with war/struggle themes I guess.

So now, as my anxiety goes up and down, as my mind fights for a breath of air - I'm trying to figure out how to organize our overall team to actually start accomplishing things - I'll do it slowly and with wisdom. I'll do what I can. I'm here for the long run. Let's finish this winter strong.

We will abide. We'll live and be free.